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Salsa Dancing Midget

I am going to a big New Year’s Eve event on Saturday night which requires me to not look like crap. I am sporting about 7 extra pounds right about now, so the idea of squeezing into something fabulous isn’t all that appealing. Even worse, I had planned to wear one of those bridesmaid dresses your friend tells you that you can wear over and over again (haven’t worn it since the wedding two years ago), but I mentioned this to another friend, and she said that she had loaned her copy of that same dress to her sister who would also be going to the party. I wanted to pull rank and say that an actual bridesmaid should get first dibs as to whether or not to wear the dress to the party, but my friend’s sister is of limited means what with her own wedding just around the corner, so I shut up and went back to my trunk of once worn bridesmaid dresses. I stared at a navy blue satin skirt that I had worn to another friend’s wedding, but instantly began developing hives. That damn skirt was too tight four years ago when she got married. I wasn’t even going to mess with my fragile self esteem by trying to squeeze into that bastard. The other dress was super light blue – way too wedding. Everything else in my closet was not dressy enough, and my little black dress is too casual, even with a string of something sparkly around my neck. Fuck.

So last night I went to the mall. Shoot me now. Actually, you should have shot me about 16 hours ago. I walked through major department store #1, and turned my nose up at all the dresses. Most were either too old lady or too street walker. I pushed my way through the strollers and teenagers to the next department store. I must say, this store had quite the collection, but somehow, the endless racks of marked down dresses made me feel a little queasy. I was about to throw in the towel when I spied a cute red dress. It happened to be the only non-marked down dress in the whole joint, and at $330, there was basically no fucking way. Feeling dejected, I was about to leave the store when I spied a black dress hanging on the same rack. It was a Michael Kors dress, and a little pink sticker peeked out from behind the neckline. Sale! Whee! Amazingly, the dress was my size. Woooo!!! It was also marked down from about $250 to $37.25. Zowie!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, that is an 85% discount. Sweet! I took that dress (and the red one) back to the dressing room which oddly smelled like a swimming pool locker room. Icky.

I tried on the red one first, and it looked appropriately fabulous. I shuddered a bit. Next, I pulled on the Michael Kors dress. It was black, and I had been trying to avoid buying a black dress. I figured the cut would be awful, or that I would see my underwear through a giant tear in the seam when I turned to look at the back. Instead, I was surprised to find that the dress fit! It is a halter style dress, so I will need to move the little hooks around the neck, but other than that, it’ll do the trick! Would it be my first choice of a dress to wear to this party? No, but hell, it was $37.25. The bra I had to buy to wear with the dress cost more than that. Speaking of the bra, those ladies in the Victoria Secret store are selling pure lies. The bra I purchased there weighs at least 4 lbs. I am not kidding! When I first tried it on, it gave my cleavage cleavage! This thing has been engineered to the hilt! Normally, I wouldn’t buy a bra that could double as a boob job, however, I have to admit, they have got hiding straps while enhancing the bust line down to a science. Plus I was getting sick of the mall. Ew.

On my way out of the mall, I snagged a pair of earrings (at just under 2/3rds the cost of the dress) and a huge complex about my lack of style and grooming thanks to all of the overdone teenagers in the mall. All in all, I spent almost exactly $100 for this event. A bargain, if you ask me.

Back at home, I tried on the whole ensemble, and while I might look a bit like a midget salsa dancer with ginormous boobs, I’m fine with that. I will do anything to avoid going back to the mall. The only thing left to do is to check a couple of storage bins to see if I saved a pair of uncomfortable spiky black heels from one of those bridesmaid gigs. Oh, and then I have to figure out whether or not to wear hose with open toed shoes. Personally, I hate that, but at the same time, tis the season to cover the legs. Last, but certainly not least, I need to rid myself of the giant zit that has taken up residence square between my eyes. Rat bastard zit. I hate you.

9:38 a.m. - December 29, 2005

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