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You Took My Toothbrush

I stepped onto the elevator and punched in the code to access my floor in the office building. I was alone holding a chicken salad sandwich, a bag of Doritos and a Diet Mt. Dew. It wasn�t until the doors to the elevator closed that I realized I had been singing to myself. I wasn�t whistling or humming, and the tune was one I hadn�t heard in a really long time. In fact, I can�t even remember the proper name of the song or even the artist. The tune goes a little something like this:

I just want to thank you,
Even though I don�t know who you are.
You let me change lanes,
While I was driving in my car.

It is funny how the brain works. There are distinct memories attached to that song and they occur in non-chronological order. The memories are as follows:

Sophomore year at KU. Upstairs neighbors = 4 guys = our best friends (our = me plus my two roommates.) One of the neighbors, Rich, has family in town. Rich lives in the shadow of his older brother. We are going out, this song comes on. I am giddy because it is one of my favorite songs at that particular moment. It is also Rich�s brother�s favorite song at that moment. Obnoxiousness ensues. Later on that trip, I am introduced to Rich�s mother as �my Jennifer, uh I mean my sister, uh I mean my neighbor.� Awkward as I am standing in my robe. Rich and I never had been and never were romantic. His mother eyed me suspiciously. His brother pushed him. Rich scowled.

Driving to work. I hear the song for the first time in a long time. I happen to work at the radio station that is playing the song. I can hardly contain myself. When I arrive, I see the program manager who happens to be on air at the time in the hallway and thank him for playing that song. He shrugs and walks off placing me fully in the nerdy idiot category I belonged in at that station. I care not. I love that song.

Driving to work. It is a wonderful fall day, and I hear the song for the first time. I don�t want to go to work. I don�t want to go! I hum it between calls and count the minutes until my release. I must hear that song again.

Elevator at work. See above.

I think the reason that song may have popped into my head today was due to a near miss on the highway this morning. I have the pleasure of merging every morning from a 70 MPH highway onto a 65 MPH just turned 55 MPH highway in the left lane. Most mornings, it isn�t too much of a problem, but right after my merge, there is a �slow to a stop� left turn in the left lane that I�ve just entered. I know this, because I drive this road every day, and I watch carefully for cars either trying to dart across the 55 MPH highway or for cars that I�ve just merged behind that might be making that left turn. This morning, I was watching not only the lane in front of me as I merged, but an asshole in a silver Ford Mustang convertible who had the front end of their car practically shoved up my tailpipe. I hate assholes like that. There were also lots of cars in both lanes when I was merging on with the Mustang planted firmly in my ass, so I had to be cautious and slow down in order to merge without killing someone who was already traveling along my intended highway. Slowing pissed off the Mustang, but what happened next almost killed us all. Fucker.

The car in front of me abruptly turned on its blinker and slowed to a near stop to make the left turn. Only it didn�t give me much notice so I had to brake fairly quickly. This would�ve been fine except I had a Mustang shoved up my ass, and he only knew where his gas pedal was. I saw the front end of the Mustang dip violently, and then I think he made the assumption that I was fucking with him because while I continued to brake, he sped up racing right back up the ass of my car. I was as close to the car in front of me as I could be without hitting it, and because it was turning left, I couldn�t swing out to the left shoulder to make room for the prick in the Mustang behind me. The right lane was full of cars making the transition from 65 to 55, so no room for me there. Because the Mustang kept his foot on the gas the whole time, the car behind him had even less notice about the impending stop. FUCKER. Luckily, the car making the turn caught on to the mess building behind him and sped through the turn allowing me to accelerate avoiding the back of his car and the front of the ASSHOLE MUSTANG MOTHER FUCKER. The car behind the Mustang had to veer to the left shoulder to avoid hitting the GODDAMN PRICK IN THE PENIS MOBILE making room for the car behind him. I didn�t even have the energy to flip off the SHIT EATING ASSMUNCH IN THE OVERCOMPENSATING-MOBILE as he switched lanes in front of another car to speed past me. I then watched as he shoved the nose of his car up the ass of another car trying to propel the other car forward through sheer intimidation not giving a shit that if three other drivers hadn�t been paying attention, we�d all be wearing neck braces. As I watched him speed off, I happened to notice his license plate was from Texas. Talk about perpetuating stereotypes�

To get back to the whole song thing, typing about my first memory attached to that song made me recall one of my favorite college stories ever. I know it won�t come across well in the written word, but use your imaginations here � just thinking of this story brings a smile to my face.

Sophomore year at KU. We returned from the bars, laughing and smiling about a fun night out. It was shortly after our return from the Christmas break. As usual, we proceeded to the top floor apartment to check in with the guys to see how their night went over some pizza rolls and Miller High Life. We arrived just as they were walking in, and Justin went to the answering machine to check messages. The first was one of their girlfriends calling to check-in. The second was a message I�ll never forget.

Remember Rich from about 400 words ago? His dad is full-blood Scot. I never met the man, but was told to imagine Mike Myers impersonation of a Scottish Man and specifically, the character in �So I Married an Axe Murderer.� Rich�s dad thought Mike Myers did the best impersonation of a Scottish man and he even had something akin to the Scottish Wall of Fame in his house. Rich had impersonated his father on a few occasions, so when the message played it was like hearing a familiar voice. This is the actual text from that message. When you read this, please read it as if Mike Myers were impersonating a Scottish Man.

�Rich! This is yer daaaaaad. You took my toothbrush and my sveater. You little prick. Byyyyee.�

For months afterwards we would play that message and laugh so hard. I�m laughing now just thinking of it. What fond memories, and all from a song.

12:19 p.m. - June 30, 2005

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