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Our First Anniversary

We were trying to decide what to do for our first anniversary, and in the end it planned itself. Well, sorta. As I mentioned in my previous entry, Ryan finally selected a car� in Chicago. We live in Kansas City. This meant we either needed to pay $1000 for them to deliver the car on a truck or fly to Chicago, pick it up and drive it back our damn selves. We did the latter. And oh what a trip it was! Just for the fun of it, I will keep a running tally of the cost of this little adventure so we can compare that to the $1000 shipping fee.

On Saturday, we boarded a plane and flew to Chicago ($198). We landed at Midway and got in a cab which drove us to a suburb called Tinley Park ($258). The car was there, and it was glorious. A beautiful black Audi A4 � wait for it � station wagon. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my husband�s dream car is the ol� Family Truckster, a grocery getter, the mom-mobile. They�d shined it up and polished it like no station wagon has ever shone before. In fact, we were later informed that the man who detailed our car had come out of retirement specifically to detail Oprah�s cars and our car. Until that point, we weren�t sure about the car, but oh yeah � that sold us. We signed all the paperwork, wrote out a big check for the down payment and were on our way. Only we weren�t on our way because they�d forgot to put gas in the car. Ten minutes later, we were still waiting. Twenty minutes� Now I�m starting to think that either the car died at the gas station or was in a horrible wreck. Ryan started eying another wagon � a much more expensive wagon. I tugged on the sleeve of the salesman and begged him to go get our car. It turns out that someone mistook the instructions to �go gas up the car� and had instead took it out back to wash and detail it. Only it was already washed and detailed (by Oprah�s detailer � did I tell you that???), and it was raining outside. RAINING! So we had to wait while someone who was NOT Oprah�s detailer finished re-cleaning Ryan�s car. Yawn.

When that was finally finished, it was about 3:00 pm and Ryan and I were starving. We hadn�t eaten lunch, so we pretty much stopped at the first place we saw � a Top Notch Burgers ($272). After a very fattening lunch, we drove into the city. After sitting in traffic forever, we finally arrived at the W Hotel. I lurve W�s. I�d booked this with points I�d saved up over the year, and despite the fact that we were there for a free night, the desk lady set us up with a pimp room and even sent up a bottle of wine, cheese tray and a greeting card signed by three complete strangers to wish us a happy anniversary. The concierge recommended a great sushi restaurant and the evening plans were made� except I�d forgotten panty hose and Ryan needed Advil. A quick walk to the second nearest Walgreens solved those problems ($285).

We took a cab to the sushi restaurant whose name I never knew ($293). Our waiter was a lovely Gaysian man who informed us that he would tell us if we were ordering anything that was not very good. He then asked if we had seen them on television the night before. He said they�d been all over the news, MSNBC, ABC, CNN� In my head, I combined the two comments of �I�ll tell you if you shouldn�t order that� and �Did you see us on the news?� and started to wonder if someone had either died from food poisoning or had been shot there the night before. Ryan must have been thinking the same thing because he asked, and our Gaysian waiter said that they had served body sushi the night before, and it was a big hit. Phew!

The meal was great ($402). Our waiter did steer us away from a couple of things, and his recommendations were wonderful. He did admonish me for eating too much edamame, but I love them little beans. Funny aside, a man and a woman were sitting at a table near us. Ryan overhead the man asking our waiter if he would �be offended� if they asked for forks. The waiter replied, �Yes, I will be, but I will bring them to you anyhow.� Tee hee.

After our cab dropped us off at the hotel ($410), we decided to grab a couple of drinks in the W Hotel bar. The people watching was okay, but the drinks were way overpriced ($430). Nonetheless, we had a lovely evening which is a very good thing because the next day wasn�t so hot.

We woke up to free breakfast vouchers, still very much loving the W. We strolled down to the restaurant and ordered up some eggs and bacon. Our waiter was very helpful and directed us to the nearest Ikea where we would furniture shop to our hearts delight. We thanked our waiter kindly for his good service ($440), and we were on our way. Before Ikea, we stopped and saw some of the city which required a hefty parking fee ($453) to walk around and see the Bean and the really cool open air pavilion thingy. The Bean rules.

Ikea is really fucking far away from the city center, but luckily somewhat on the way to Des Moines. I figured we�d go there, find a couple of trash cans and maybe some placemats and be on our merry way. Instead, we did something that I could have never anticipated. We agreed on three large pieces of furniture. THREE! We found a great new TV stand ($673) that will not only hold our giant TV but will neatly hide away all the other electronics while not blocking the giant picture window in the living room. We found a great sideboard ($873) that allowed me to finally pull our wedding china out of the boxes it has been living in for the past year. And most triumphantly, we found a desk ($1,103) that will fit perfectly into the bay window room and will hold not only the two computers we have, but also Ryan�s gigantic mixer for when he wants to record music. We also found two trash cans, placemats, a vase, a pot for my orchid and a new welcome mat ($1,143). During this shopping extravaganza, we stopped to have lunch at the little Ikea caf� ($1,151). Ryan was saying something about his car and when he finished, I asked, �Do you think the desk will fit in there?� He replied, �Oh yeah. I think it will fit just fine.� I pressed him, �Are you sure? I�m not sure it is going to fit.� He replied assuredly, �It will be just fine.� And then we bussed our trays and went back to shopping. It wasn�t until later that we realized that I had been asking if it would fit in the car and Ryan had been informing me that I shouldn�t worry about it fitting into the room at home. Clarification might have avoided a lot of headaches.

We checked out with our two giant cartloads full of stuff. Ryan pulled the Family Truckster around front, and we started to load the car. Instantly, an Ikea guy appeared to help us load things. I wish he wouldn�t have been there. He started packing in a bunch of the flat boxes, but not the desktop that I had been worried about. I suggested that they try it first. Guess what � it didn�t fit. So now, Ikea Guy is standing there while Ryan and I are trying to figure out what to do. Do we strap the desktop to the top of the car and drive 8 hours home or do we return the desk and order it out of a catalog later? We made the decision in 30 seconds because the Ikea Guy went over to the little twine box and came back and started lifting the desktop to the top of the car. I guess we�re going to strap it onto the car and drive it 8 hours home. Great!

The Ikea Guy did a spectacularly awful job of packing things what with one package resting on my headrest and another jutted up between Ryan and me, making it impossible to see each other or to put the car into reverse. After he tied everything down, we pulled around to the side of the building and repacked the car. It was 5:30 pm, and we were 5 hours from our hotel. I called and made sure we would be okay for a late check in � no problem they said. We thought we had the desktop nice and secure, and it was until we hit about 45 miles per hour. At that point, it got a bit of �lift� underneath it and shifted way to the right. We pulled off at the first of many gas stations. Ryan tied it down again, and we were on our way � for about 10 miles. This time, the lift was much higher. We pulled off at a truck stop where I purchased two tie downs ($1,181). We used them to secure the desktop. This lasted another 40 miles or so. This time, it wasn�t the amount of lift that was bothering us, but a really loud flapping noise. We thought the worst � that one of the tie downs had come loose and that the metal hook was banging against the side of the car. We pulled over at a gas station/Hardees where we discovered that the cardboard had ripped loose. Luckily, there was a Wal-mart at this particular stop. We went inside, purchased a tarp and a roll of duct tape ($1,189) and proceeded to pull the desktop off of the car, wrap it in the tarp, duct tap the crap out of the tarp and then tie down the desktop again. Something about the smell of cow shit at this particular stop made us forget that we hadn�t eaten dinner yet.

This is where it became evident that I married an architect, not an engineer. The tie down lasted about 15 miles. It was about 9:00 pm, and we still hadn�t crossed the border from Illinois into Iowa. We were just about to hit that milestone when we heard a really loud flapping noise. Ryan put on the hazards and started to pull to the side of the road � right at the point where three major interstates intersected. I calmly informed him that no matter how loud the flapping noise was that he could not pull over at this exact point. He was to proceed slowly PAST this intersection and then he could pull over. My memory isn�t clear at this point because I was scared shitless. Semi after semi was barreling past us just to pull to the right so they could turn on to the exit that led to some major interstate. If even one of them mistook our taillights for a traveling car, we were D-E-D dead. I, however, had no access to the gas pedal of the car. Ryan did. He sat there for what seemed like forever while I insisted in a calm, low voice that I would not let him get out of the car to see what was flapping. Finally, he saw a break in the traffic, opened his door, peeked his head out to see if the hooks were still attached and ducked his head back inside just in time to watch two giant semis barrel past us. Whatever he saw convinced him that it was okay to proceed through the intersection to find a safer place to pull off the road. He must have assumed that I was mentally functioning because he started asking which exit to take. I told him to keep on the same highway and go straight ahead until we could pull off. Though he didn�t much like these instructions, he obeyed. I think there was a bridge and some water, I don�t fucking know. The flapping noise continued and finally, we made it across and I saw a weigh station sign. The weigh station was closed, so we pulled off where he fiddled with the tie downs again. I think this might be where he removed his undershirt and tied it onto something for some reason. I don�t fucking know. It was cold, my nerves were shattered, and I just wanted to leave the desk by the side of the road.

Marginally secured, we were able to reach Davenport, IA, where we stopped at another truck stop. Here, I purchased another tie down and gassed up the car ($1,229). I tried to help Ryan tie down the desk, but something about my presence seemed to give him license to imitate Napoleon Dynamite. He was incredibly frustrated as you can well imagine and so was I. We were doing a very good job of not yelling.fighting.screaming, but for some reason, neither of us were willing to accept defeat. We should have, but we wouldn�t. He fiddled with that damn desktop for a good hour, and when we finally left that truck stop, I hoped against all hope that it had worked. It didn�t. We didn�t even get to the on-ramp before that was evident.

We went over the highway and pulled into the deserted parking lot of a restaurant. We got out of the car, and we took the desktop off along with all of the ties. I�d had plenty of time to analyze all of the problems we were having with that FUCKING desk, so I suggested a way to tie it down. Frustrated and near defeat, Ryan helped to secure it and suggested a couple of alterations to my plan. We agreed that if this didn�t work, we would start a little bonfire of Ikea desk in the parking lot of the next truck stop. With that, we proceeded back to the highway.

Surprisingly, our combined efforts produced a secure tie down. There was only an annoying noise caused by one of the straps still giving us hassle. This was solved by tying Ryan�s undershirt to the strap. WOOO-FUCKING-HOOOOOOOOO! We were on our way!

By now, it was 10:30 pm. We hadn�t eaten, and our hotel reservation was in Des Moines. On a whim, I called Des Moines and told them that we were having car problems (I wasn�t lying!) and asked if we could cancel the room. They obliged and even agreed to not charge us for the room despite that being their normal policy. Bless the Renassiance Savery. We decided to push on to Iowa City, and we made it there at about midnight with no more problems. We checked into a hotel ($1,346) and went to bed without dinner. Happy First Anniversary.

We woke up yesterday in Iowa City, and ate breakfast at a place called Tony�s Grill ($1,360). Fortified, we got in the car and crossed our fingers that the tie down would hold to Kansas City. It was doing pretty good for awhile, but then the annoying flapping strap returned. We pulled over at the exit to the Amana Colonies. I had to use the restroom, so I went inside a Wool Outlet/Crafts and Jams/Winery to browse around a bit. I found a scarf I liked, but surprisingly, it was made in China and not be the people of the Amana Colonies. I finished browsing and looked outside for Ryan. He wasn�t there. As I was walking to the jam store, I saw him walking towards the building. Before I could get to the front of the shop, he had disappeared. All three shops were connected, and I found myself walking back and forth through Christmas crap and plum-berry preserves trying to find him. Finally, I went into the winery, but he still wasn�t there. Concerned he had been abducted by some pissed off Amish, I went and stood by the car. About that time, he emerged, magically, from the winery. Having just left the winery myself I was confused. He was carrying a brown paper bag with a bottle inside ($1,368). He handed it to me and told me to find somewhere that it could travel upright. He finally explained that he�d been in the basement of the winery with an old lady tasting wine and felt pressured by her kindness into buying some church wine. I�m not sure if I got the full-story, but whatever. We took off.

The strap stopped flapping thanks to a pair of boxer shorts tied around the strap. The rest of the trip was uneventful. We stopped only once more for lunch and some more gas ($1,399). We were home by 3:00 pm and by 7:00 pm, I was putting our china into the new sideboard.

When we had discussed what we would do for our anniversaries, we had made only one declaration. We decided that our anniversary tradition would be to make sure each year we did something different from the last � basically that our tradition would be to not really have a tradition. Let me assure you, we should have no problem living up to that based on our first anniversary experience.

So now for the comparison - $1,000 to have the car delivered or $1,399 to pick the car up, have a fabulous dinner and stay at a wonderful hotel in Chicago, purchase three large pieces of furniture and multiple tie downs, about die at least three times on I-80, sleep in Iowa City and then return to Kansas City� I think the latter wins � you can�t place a value on those memories!

12:10 p.m. - November 08, 2005

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