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Mall Brat

I went to the mall in Overspend Park with Taerna to help her find jewelry for her brother's wedding this weekend, and also to start trying to find jewelry for my upcoming nuptials. While out in the Southland, I decided to follow my father's advice and drop my car off at the tire place to get the tires balanced, aligned and other tire-related terms. This involved a bit of coordination between me and Taerna what with dropping off cars and right turn only lanes and the like. After that we headed to the walk-in salon for a quick session of beautifying and while there, my younger brother Chris called wanting assistance on navigating the nearby shopping mall to find clothes for his new part/full-time job. I had Taerna drop me back off at the tire place because my car should have been ready at that time and asked Chris to meet me there. We all know where this is going... the tires had not been rotated, balanced or even rolled out of the position I had left them when I'd dropped the car off an hour ago with instructions to pick it up in 30 - 45 minutes. The tire place closed at 7:00pm. It was 6:15 pm. I had no interest in hanging out at the tire place for 45 minutes, but also didn't want to deal with having to return by 7:00 pm to pick up my keys. An arrangement was made whereby the keys would be left with someone at the adjoining store which closes at 8:30 pm just to be different. Nifty - and we're off.

Chris and I left to try and buy salesperson clothes for a 21 year-old. That is so an oxy-moron. Your typical dress shirt has quite the balloon effect going on around the waist which I find completely unattractive. Tuck that in to a pair of pleated slacks and you get something to the effect of a bloated caterpillar.  Add a pair of wing-tipped shoes and you may easily destroy the social life of a young outgoing college student. Our first task became to find fitted dress shirts. Our first task subset-A was to find fitted dress shirts that weren't all club-funktified. Once those were found, we had to find the right size. Then ties to match. And then flat front pants - that didn't taper at the leg or hug too tight. As we were going through this exercise, I decided that it is cruel and unusual punishment to make a 21 year-old dress like this for a part-time job. Seriously folks. If you want your people wearing that kind of corporate attire, then you should insure them and provide 401K options. At minimum, a clothing allowance would've been nice. 

With much decisiveness, Chris settled on a few shirts, a tie and a new pair of pants to round out his corporate wardrobe thus kicking my corporate style's ass all the way to Timbuktu. I bought a new pair of brown sandals to replace the pair that I was wearing that have recently acquired the stink o'death. For those of you not familiar with the stink o'death, that is the smell obtained by cheap leather shoes when you've worn them exactly one too many times. It smells a bit like cat piss and rotten fruit salad, and there is absolutely no cleaner or scent masking compound that will restore them to their non-smelling status. 

We left the mall, proceed back to the store to get my car keys where I had to play a cute little game with the jackass behind the customer service counter - are these your keys (he says holding up a set of keys that are not mine) - no. He shuffles around a bit, holds up the same damn keys - are these your keys? No. Shuffling, smirking, holding up those fucking keys - are these your keys? Listen buddy, this might be cute to a slobbering eight-month old strapped in a stroller wearing a fucking kid hat, but those aren't my fucking keys and I don't have time for your stupid fucking jokes. Stop farting around and find my damn keys!!!! Sorry - I don't know why I put a hat on the kid. I think I have something about children in hats... anywhooo.. He finally found my damn keys, and Chris and I proceeded to a lovely Chinese restaurant for some tasty vittles. Mmmmm... sesame chicken gooooood. I think I spent more time with Chris last night than I spent with him in the whole of 2003, and all in all a good night.

Walking through the mall with Taerna then Chris made me reminisce about my days in clothing retail. In high school, I worked at a second tier department store that typically had little to no business. We had a lot of time to plan wardrobes, seek out the really good deals and generally slack off. The only excitement that ever occurred was when the crazy Mennonite ladies would come in, giggle and blush and then ask for a fitting room to try on fancy lingerie. Crazy stuff people. My second job in retail was in a store in Lawrence that was more focused on women's clothing but still had a small men's department. This allowed them to hire my friend Rusty who told me in the "thritcteth of confidenthce" that he was gay. Again, this store was dead most every weeknight and most times, we would be the only two people there which would allow us plenty of time to plan wardrobes, seek out the really good deals and generally slack off. We would get so bored on some nights that we would have mini-fashion shows in which the contest was to create the most absolutely hideous outfit imaginable using only store merchandise or to try and pull of the best Janet Jackson look which he typically won. The best time of year was prom season when dresses of all sorts of appalling shapes and colors would adorn the racks. Oh those were the days. 

Each day, when I pull in the drive and Eli has chosen to spend the day outside doing whatever it is outdoor cats do, he greets me on the drive by rolling around and mewing. This has earned him a new nickname: Ro-Lie Po-Lie.

1:48 p.m. - July 27, 2004

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