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I Saw Gary Oldman on a Motorized Cart!

Do you ever look back on an entire week and wonder where it went? I'm doing that right now. I'm sitting at my desk eating a microwaved entree wondering how in the heck I will finish everything I need to get done prior to flying off to the South for the next three days. Madness people!

The weekend held quite a bit of madness as well. I think it was quite productive, but that remains to be seen. On Friday night, we ate at the bar of a Chinese restaurant so that we could watch the lighting of the gigantic phallic/warlike symbol that is the Olympic torch. Nuclear missile or fiery space-aged dildo, you decide. I got distracted by the arrival of the lettuce wraps, so I never figured out what the glowing pregnant belly was meant to represent. I do have to say that I love that the planners for the opening ceremony embracing Bjork in all her freakiness. I do wish Bob and Katie would have turned the volume down on their incessant chatter during her song, but oh well. I lurve Bob Costas, so I guess I can forgive him that one indiscretion.

On Saturday, we went to a wedding show in Kansas City. Our first and hopefully only wedding show. Despite the uber-cheesy preface of such an event, it actually turned out to be quite useful. We found two DJ's that we would consider hiring, got price lists for a couple of limo services and got to make fun of a lot of idiotic stuff. They wanted to label me with a sticker that read "Bride", but luckily The Boy agreed to wear it which totally blew the minds of all of the vendors. Fun stuff.

I did see my two most hated people in the wedding industry all at one show - it was almost too much. First there was the wedding dress bitch. The store at which she works is designed such that you tell your sales "consultant" what you are looking for and a bit about your event, and then he/she will go to the back and select dresses that will be "perfect" for you. Right from the start, my consultant was rude. She selected a few dresses based on my comments, and when Kiki said "you chose pretty dresses" she said "well I don't do this for a living, I'm an art historian." I should've said, "Well, right now you are my dress bitch, so get busy and zip me up." At one point, she informed me that they didn't have any other dresses to show me because the one I was wearing was the perfect dress for me. However, I contend that she was wrong because the perfect dress for me is shown below. Anywho - she was a real bitch and when I called to cancel an appointment she hung up on me. Fucking art historians. Also in attendance at the show was the ass from the reception hall who stole my paperclip and proceeded to bend it all up. HATE. Then there was this conversation:

Annoying Vendor Chick: Would you like to sign up to win four free place settings of the china pattern of your choice?

Me: No, but actually, we are looking to register for china today. Where can I see a catalog of your products?

Annoying Vendor Chick: We aren't selling anything. You just need to register to WIN free china.

Me: I don't want to register to WIN free china. We are looking to select a china pattern to put on our gift registry. Does your company sell china?

Annoying Vendor Chick: Well, you just need to register.

Me: Do you have a store or a showroom in the area for the purpose of selling your products. The name of your company is Acme China Corporation so I assume your company sells china.

Annoying Vendor Chick: Well, you can register to WIN china. We have a showroom, but only paying customers who have bought our china can go there.

Me: How do I buy something from your company? Through a catalog? At a store? Through a web site?

Annoying Vendor Chick: We don't really sell anything to people who aren't customers, but you can register to win china today. We have thousands of patterns to choose from. You'll just need to register.

Me: You have provided me with no information. You are an idiot. Go back to high school and pay attention this time.

I really wish I would've ended with that last sentence, but instead I just said "Um, no" and walked away. The Boy witnessed the whole conversation and confirmed that I had been clear in my request to see and purchase products, but that her response would indicate that in order to see their products, you would already needed to have purchased their products which they don't sell in a store, online or via a catalog. The whole thing had scam written all over it which is strange as they were one of the major sponsors for the event. Seeing as they are willing to hire dimwits like the one I encountered to promote their business, I figured they weren't the company for me.

Saturday also marked my first (and maybe last) visit to the gigantic outdoorsperson (who am I kidding, outdoorsMAN) store in Kansas City located right near the new speedway. I swear on Mary's silhouette in a pat of butter that I saw Gary Oldman riding a motorized cart. He was incognito wearing a brown-green safari hat and sucking on the end of an oversized pipe while looking at the stuffed carcasses of a variety of endangered species. I know it had to be him. Just you watch - he'll be in a movie soon playing a white trash guy who rides around on a motorized cart. Mark my words.

Saturday night we had a couple of people over for an ill-prepared BBQ at The Boy's house which clearly illustrated our need for certain items such as steak knives, serving utensils and cookie sheets. I actually have most of this at my house, but The Boy has a chiminea and since North Dakota is still shipping in the cooler weather, it was the perfect night for The Boy to play with fire. He likes fire - maybe a little too much.

On Sunday, we planned our wedding ceremony, scanned in more pictures for the wedding video and made an almost final draft of our wedding invitation. It still needs a few tweaks, but it is coming out quite nicely for a do-it-yourself job. Now here it is Monday, and I am trying to dig myself out of a whole heck of a lot of work shit.

So as promised, a picture of me in my wedding dress...

The Boy better not be looking....

Stop looking....

I'm not kidding - go away....

....

...

...

Okay, here it is...

Psyche!!! I'm not showing you my dress. You'll have to wait until after the wedding because I'm a freak like that. (Plus I discovered I have back fat. I will now proceed to the gym). That picture is courtesy of UglyDress.

2:21 p.m. - August 16, 2004

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