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A Holiday Tradition Begins!

I am about to embark on gathering more information on the scoring of bowling than I ever imagined. I'll explain why. On Saturday, Ryan and I headed into the vast wilderness that is Overland Park, KS to buy Christmas presents for our family and friends. As I strolled through strip mall after strip mall looking for a cheap little trinket to buy for each of my friends, I became frustrated at the amount of crap being bought and sold in the world. I couldn't quite see how a collector's tin of dry butter cookies says, "You are my dear friend and I'm so happy to have you in my life" or how a raspberry scented candle with a chocolate crackle finish says, "Thanks for being there when I was a raging lunatic bride" or how a movie from the $5.99 rack says, "I know I haven't talked to you in six months, but I hope you are doing well." Pissed off, and one trembling hand away from slapping the idiot woman in the terry-cloth jogging suit with her 40 year old ass-crack hanging out who was blocking the aisle with her cock-eyed cart while she talked on her cell phone, I was struck with a genius idea. This isn't my own idea, because I know many charities do this, but it is my new excuse for avoiding the strip malls at Christmas...

Tentatively announcing the 1st Annual G____ Gutter Ball!!!(My new last name starts with a G). The plan is to raid a bowling alley, pay for ugly smelly shoe rental and just enough lane time for people to bowl one game. We'll invite all of our friends, ask them to wear costumes and act a fool, and during that one game, for every pin that gets knocked over, we'll donate a few cents to a charity of our choosing in their name. Fun for all ages, and we'll get to say things like "I hope this year doesn't suck as much as last year for you" and "I'm sorry, what's your name again?" to our friends in person. So far, everyone we've floated the idea to has indicated that they like the idea. Either that, or they just don't have the nerve to say, "Listen here you cheap bastards. I want my peppermint-scented foot lotion, and I could care less about your stupid charity."

We'd toyed with the idea of having a local "celebrity" emcee the event, but the celebrities we'd want to invite are ones that we'd also want to be able to make fun of, and we didn't figure that would fly what with them being present and all. A couple of the celebs we thought of were the slimy used car salesman that has his kids do his commercials, or the cheesy window salesperson that not only stands behind his windows, he stands on them. In the end, we thought maybe Ryan would just wear a hideously ugly tux and I'd dress in sequins. We do plan to make a gigantic check out to the charity for our photo op. I know it will be a pathetically small amount compared to what most fund-raisers raise, but at least our nickels and dimes will go to pay for something more than another bottle of Dom Perignon at the Walton family Christmas in Bentonville this year.

So anyhow, I have to figure out about what to expect out of bowling scores so we know how many pennies to donate for each pin. I'd love to say we had a lot of latitude to be generous, but we aren't made of money here, people. I'd rather feel sick to my stomach because I gave in and at a hot dog from the concession stand versus finding out that I was really bad at math and had just funded the mapping of the DNA of a platypus.

I'm sure there's a lot of other things I could talk about today, however, I just got a massive headache and am blinking too much to type. The annual gift card/bottle of wine exchange is in full swing at the office, and I am behind in my email thank you's to my bosses, so I'd best get back to work. Plus, I have to get all squared away for the company winter retreat that is taking place tomorrow. Let the fun begin!!!�

2:41 p.m. - December 20, 2004

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