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Merry Christmas!

Come over here.

Bomp bomp bomp.

Sorry. Listening to INXS. My mission today is to deplete my inbox of emails and get the heck out of Dodge. Actually, I'm going to get the heck out of Dodge so that I can head just north of Dodge - like the real Dodge - you know the one in Kansas. Okay, actually, I'll be well north of Dodge, but I'll probably be closer to Dodge than most of you, so there. I'm sure I'll get corrected on my actual location by the in-law and her fancy new GPS tracking unit. Fabulous.

Christmas takes me all over the great state of Kansas. I'll see the Central, Northwest, Southeast and Northeast parts of the state all by Sunday. I know you are jealous. Rumor has it that they are just getting phone lines and running water out that way, so chances are this will be my last update until next Monday when the holiday madness ends. And before you get all up in my shit for blaspheming rural Kansas, I earned the right by living in rural Kansas for the first 18 years of my life. I'm well aware that most houses are well-equipped with all of the modern efficiencies we enjoy in the big city. It still doesn't make it right to marry your half-brother's stepsister. And before you get all up in arms about that, I knew such a situation and it wasn't from watching Springer.

This morning, my body finally crossed the threshold of dryness. It has been bone-chillingly cold lately, so everywhere I go, I have some form of forced air heat blowing directly at me. To combat potential dry skin, I've been using a metric shit-ton of lotion, however this morning, my skin became impervious to lotion. As I tapped the upside down bottle of lotion on my hand to get a nickel-sized dollop to soothe my dry elbows, an amazing thing happened. My hand literally absorbed the lotion before I had a chance to apply it. Despite putting lotion on my legs, my pant legs are awkwardly stuck to my thighs thanks to static cling. If I try to pull the fabric off of my leather-like skin, its like little firecrackers exploding. I shocked the shit out the cat this morning, and he gave me the stink eye the whole time I dried my hair. Speaking of the poor cat, he's super pissed at me because in a NyQuil induced stupor, I decided that he MUST be dead because he didn't move when I rolled over. Freaked out and half asleep, I took to prodding him to get a response out of him. That made him happy - you know - being awoken from a deep catten sleep. He sat on my pillow and stared down at me (also known as "lording") for a few minutes licking his little catten lips in displeasure. He hates me.

Oh I may just hurt someone. Oh no you di'int. There are seriously people in the hallway singing Christmas carols. I didn't hear them at first because the Beastie Boys were yelling about liking their sugar with coffee and cream, but as the song transitioned to Def Leppard's Photograph I heard them "Up on the Roof Top"ing. Damn holiday cheer. I hope my gigantic headphones let them know I'm perfectly happy with my own version of holiday music. Nothing says Christmas like a one-armed little drummer boy.

Yeah. I'm going to hell for that one.

Well I hope that's enough nay saying to tide you, my beloved readers, over for the next few days. To any of you who pays attention to my little daily ramblings, I want to say thank you and wish you a very merry Christmas. And if you happen to be Jewish, I apologize for not wishing you a happy Hanukah a few weeks back. My company must've installed the "Christian-only" version of Outlook on my computer, so I totally missed the start of that holiday on the 8th. I also will not be notified of the start of Kwaanza or Boxing Day. I apologize and wish you all the best for the last few days of December and on into the new year. Okay, bye.

10:21 a.m. - December 23, 2004

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