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The Joys of Airline Travel

I spent the day traveling to the East Coast. Yeah � the one with the big fucking snow storm. Sweet. The day started off grandly when I pulled into the Slightly Better Than Economy parking lot. I was busy tucking hats and scarves in pockets and wasn�t prepared for the driver who lumbered his/her way over to my car and offered to carry my suitcase. I was slightly stunned at the sight of him/her, and rather than let go of the handle to the suitcase he/she was offering to carry, I let go of the handle to my undersized non-padded backpack which contained my company-issued laptop. He/she bent down to pick it up chuckling, �I hope you didn�t have anything breakable in there � heh huh!� Sadly, I was more concerned at still not knowing the sex of my driver despite having heard his/her voice. Staring stupidly, I think I muttered something like, �Nothing too important.�

I got on the shuttle bus and promptly forgot about the dropped laptop until I was removing my boots, heavy wool coat, scarf, gloves, girdle, etc. at the security checkpoint. My laptop had already made its way through the scanner before I�d disrobed, and a friendly TSA employee popped his head around to inform me that my computer required additional screening, and oh, by the way, it was his duty to point out any imperfections prior to screening and did I know I had a �busted� corner on my laptop. Sweet. As I was redressing in front of the screener, he told me three or four stories about other broken laptops he�d encountered. I held back a snide comment along the lines of, �My, what a fascinating career you�ve chosen.�

When I found my co-worker, she was yammering on the phone with our company travel agent about the likelihood that our flights would takeoff and/or land at their designated times. She had briefly conversed with our business associates at our destination, and unfortunately, all systems were go for our meetings tomorrow. Fab.

We boarded the plane and actually made it to our layover in Chicago 20 minutes early. That allowed us plenty of time to eat, and I enjoyed a ham sandwich, cup of yogurt and a Diet Coke for the reasonable price of $12. Seriously � in what world is that a reasonable price for that order??? Obviously, my hotel chain agrees, because I�m quite positive my hamburger, fries, Diet Sprite and cheesecake will cost at least $35. Highway robbery people.

The next plane we boarded was already running about 30 minutes behind. Once we got on the plane, additional difficulties kept us sitting on the tarmac for another 15 minutes. Once we landed, we sat on the tarmac waiting for our gate to open for another 20 minutes. We then pulled up to the gate, only to wait another 35 minutes for them to try and get the damn jet way pulled up to the plane. Only it was frozen and didn�t want to budge. So then we waited even longer for another gate to open. And then the fuck with the paddles misdirected the plane and we had to back out of the new gate and pull in again. After more than an hour on the ground trapped on the plane, people started getting edgy� and chatty.

Had the man next to me known I wrote in an online journal, he might have thought twice about opening with, �Can I see your ring?� I held my hand out to show him the lovely wedding and engagement rings that adorned my left hand. He informed me that he was about to propose to his girlfriend� for the second time. He then whipped out a box straight from Wallyworld containing a wedding ring set. I kindly said that it was lovely, and he decided to share more of his story. It would seem that he was rejected the first time around after only a week long engagement because he lives in Tucson and she lives on the East Coast and neither had any intention of moving. He credited his refusal to move to the existence of his son from another girlfriend. He then said, �I�m not sure how this will go, because there�s no way in hell I�m moving here.�

Having exhausted all other niceties, I was left with, �Gosh, I hope it works out.� He went on to tell me about his upcoming trip to Hawaii where he planned to leave his son with his father while he spent 11 days by the pool (not in the ocean because it is shark season). When I asked about the style of his upcoming nuptials, he said he hoped to get married in Vegas by Elvis or something because he really doesn�t like any of his family and he didn�t want to meet any of hers. As I listened to him talk about what I�d predetermined to be a soon to be failed marriage, the man in the seat behind me decided to lean forward and bleat loudly into his cell phone. Lovely. I can�t wait for the FAA to approve cell phone usage during flights.

After much anticipation, the pilot announced over the loud speaker and the bleating gentleman in the seat behind me that we would soon be at the gate and asked the flight attendants to prepare the doors for arrival. The genius next to me actually started clapping loudly. Like the long slow clap. The one that everyone is supposed to join in on. Only no one did. He looked at me, strengthening the �thunda� of his clap and said, �We should all clap, man. We�re finally here!� I refused as did the other 200 passengers. Finally, he stopped, just in time to hear the announcement that we would need to backup and take another run at our gate. Genius. He then proceeded to crack really bad jokes much to the discomfort of everyone around him. Is it really awful that I found myself hoping that he would be a part of one of the 50% of failed marriages, hopefully securing Ryan and I a place in the 50% of successful marriages category?

Three hours late, I arrived at my hotel, got an upgrade to an executive suite and settled into some crappy room service food that already has me belching. Plus, I�m coughing from deep inside my bronchial passageways � whatever those things are called. I�m going to call it a painful cough that makes me make a face that looks like I just tasted goat urine. I can�t wait to do it all over again tomorrow night as I try to make my way home. Whee!!!

7:58 p.m. - January 24, 2005

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