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Brainwashed

Get this. The brainwashing worked. I had the generalized sense of I can do anything I set my mind to, and that I embrace change on Monday. I held it through most of Tuesday and Wednesday. But now, as I try to incorporate what I learned at that damn seminar, I have started to realize that failure is an option.

For instance, I finally got myself in order to register for the GMAT just a few minutes ago. I�d been planning to do it for a few days, and finally got pissed off about something else so I took a moment to stop listening to Johnny Cash�s �Ring of Fire� to do something that would be a positive stamp on my future. Fabulous. Only as I registered, I remembered a realization that hit me during the brainwashing � there is a chance that I won�t get into my selected school for my MBA. Okay, I might be stating the obvious for all of you, but it had never occurred to me that they reserve the right to tell me they don�t want me in my school. What the hell is that all about??? So now I�m all freaked out that I�m planning on getting my MBA there, but may actually have to consider other schools. But I don�t wanna go to another school. Crimony. I was more interested in selecting which program I�d tackle at my selected school, now I have that sense of �please love me � please let me in.� Bullshit. I don�t normally think like that, and the only change is that damn brainwashing. Dammit!

Another element of that change is my performance at work the past two days. It is high stress season, and as usual, I have a million things going on and at least half of them blow up in my face after they seem to be resolved due to circumstances beyond my control. Normally, I put my head down and get the work done and everything is happy and good. The new me is trying to delegate and give warm fuzzies to the people around me so that they will help me to accomplish our common goals. You know what that does? It makes it so that shit doesn�t get done. Everyone stands around patting each other on the back, and meanwhile, they suck it up at the task at hand. I asked a co-worker for clear direction on a project so that I could prioritize all the shit I have to do, and basically I got reprimanded for not knowing a couple of the details. Oh no you di�int. Meanwhile, people who enthusiastically agreed to do shit weeks ago shuffle it back onto my desk with �Sorry, can�t get to it by next week� and fucking Ill Jill has been nowhere to be seen for at least two weeks. Evidently, she has been traveling for a week and has been out sick for the past week. FUCKING BULLSHIT!

So yeah � I registered for the GMAT. I plan to drink heavily tonight so that I can erase all of that brainwashing crap because I know that I can kick ass at grad school. I know that it won�t be easier and/or cheap, but I�m ready to check off that box in life. I am hopeful that the school I want will let me in to their precious little program, and they will be glad they did. I still don�t know what the hell I�ll do with my shiny new diploma, but I�m sure if nothing else, it can collect dust in the Priority Mail package with my other two diplomas. Maybe I�ll get fancy like Ill Jill and frame them and hang them in my office so that everyone knows that I am special and well-educated. Whatever.

The weekend should be a good one. Dave the Sheetrocker was late this morning, so we will be graced with his presence tomorrow as he finishes up the work on the second floor. I plan to drag Ryan to various places of business to secure flooring, trim, paint, etc. so that should be a good time. Leaves will be raked, realtor contracts signed and Eli will be petted. Alright � my break is over. See you on Monday!

4:17 p.m. - March 25, 2005

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