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Flaming Balls

Flaming Balls. From the instant that firecracker was pulled from the variety pack, it was the source of many jokes. Four boys, er men, each took a stab at cracking a joke about Flaming Balls. �I�m going to put my Flaming Balls over here,� one said. �Be careful handling my Flaming Balls. They�re special,� another said. �Don�t mess with my Flaming Balls,� another instructed. �It is about time we pay some attention to my Flaming Balls,� the last demanded.

After much giggling and with great anticipation, the Flaming Balls were transported from the safety of the deck to the large flat rock about 60 feet away from the house. The women watched cautiously as the men clambered about the Flaming Balls. �That�s quite the wick on my Flaming Balls!� one said. �Make sure you secure my Flaming Balls,� another said. �Hose man! Be ready to douse my Flaming Balls!� another instructed. �Stand clear as I light my Flaming Balls!� the last demanded.

As the flame crept closer to the octagonal shaped box containing the Flaming Balls, the boys, er men, dashed back towards the safety of the deck. Soon, Flaming Balls launched into the air, cracking high above the earth in the dark night sky. Red, blue, green, purple and white, the Flaming Balls were a sight to behold. Sparks flew from the box and it began to rock as more and more Flaming Balls exited into the cool summer night�s air. Flaming Balls whistled and cracked, and we all stood in awe of the Flaming Balls. Without warning, the octagonal shaped box tipped on its side and everyone scrambled as the Flaming Balls launched towards the house. A shriek then a squeal then a scream! �Man down! Man down!� one said. �Holy SHIT!� another said. �Get down everyone!� another instructed. �Get the hose! Get the hose!� the last demanded.

The octagonal shaped box teetered back and rolled off the rock down towards the ravine. Sparks and Flaming Balls continued to spew out of the box onto the wet grasses. With each release, the scene unfolding near the deck received a brief backlight. I watched from my chair as Ryan, one of the lead instigators in the Flaming Balls fiasco, danced around patting down his nether regions. �A Flaming Ball just hit Ryan!� one said. �Those Flaming Balls came right at us! I don�t think anything is on fire,� another said. �Quick, check on Ryan! Make sure he is okay,� another instructed. �I�m fine! I�m okay! Don�t hose down my Flaming Balls!� the last demanded.

As the Flaming Balls ceased flaming, and the smoke began to clear, the gravity of what had just happened began to settle in. Ryan was fine, save a paintball sized welt on his inner-thigh, and the deck and house were fine, just fine. �That Flaming Ball could�ve rendered you childless,� one said. �That Flaming Ball heard you talking earlier and was looking to take a hostage,� another said. �Don�t taunt Happy Fun Ball,� another instructed. �You�ve got to get back on the horse right way, soldier. Don�t let those Flaming Balls keep a good man down,� the last demanded.

And he did get back on the horse, helping to finish shooting off the rest of the variety pack of fireworks including a second box of Flaming Balls. The jokes about Flaming Balls didn�t end, nor did the reminder that our little fireworks mishap could have been much more serious. I really hate fireworks, and for this reason precisely. The boys, er men, saw it as a couple of hours of entertainment. I saw it as a headache, unnecessary increase in heart rate and a potential loss of life and limb. Some people might call me lame for being a fireworks naysayer, but I really don�t care. I�d much rather be lame than forever taunted by a scar or much worse from a box of Flaming Balls.

Despite the near miss, we had a good weekend. We took another weekend off from working on the house, and took time to relax and basically accomplish nothing. Now I am back at work struggling to find the motivation to send and receive emails and return phone calls and update spreadsheets and all of that other fun stuff. Exciting. At least it is only a four day work week!

3:21 p.m. - July 05, 2005

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