-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Butt Massages Hurt

Typically, when someone discusses a trip to the spa, the �to wear or not to wear underwear� is the common dilemma. Not with me. Oh no. That had already been solved in my head, and I had no qualms about my choice. My dilemma was an unexpected one� do you tell your masseuse that she is hurting you by massaging your buttocks?

I was enjoying my deep tissue massage, and the pressure was fine for the most part. She had dug into my neck (which hurts like hell today) and had worked hard on my shoulder blades (also very tender). She moved onto my arms, and that hurt a bit, but nothing unbearable, and then onto my legs, again, painful, but I survived. Finally, she had me flip over, and I assumed she�d work more on my back. Oh no. The next thing I felt, I can hardly describe, but I�ll try. She had a fancy little trick where she�d drag her finger lightly across a muscle prior to applying pressure which gradually increased. This was a nice warning sign elsewhere, but startled me a bit when she grazed my right ass cheek. She left the blanket over my ass, so she wasn�t directly touching my ass, but I still was able to feel the precursor to the impending deep kneading action. I think my spine may have stiffened a bit in anticipation. And then it came.

You know the weird �chop chop� action people sometimes do when massaging a back. Imagine that, only with fingers gorging into your ass cheek. Pointy strong fingers. It was probably akin to sitting on one of those kneading fingers back massagers you see at Brookstone � while it is on high. And it HURT! I never thought that poking an ass cheek could hurt so bad. She paused for a second then I felt the tracer finger again and people, I literally clenched my butt cheeks. My tensed up gluts only seemed to encourage her as she continued to berate my butt with fingers of steel. She moved her way from the top of the cheek down to my hip and she was pounding so hard I was actually sliding side to side on the table. Through the tears welling up in my eyes, I actually started to laugh. I thought about asking her to take it easy on the other side, but before I could, she�d swiftly and silently moved around the table and was tracing the trembling arc of my left ass cheek.

When the beating ended, I think I actually sighed with relief. I never want to tell a masseuse to lay off the pressure because in my limited experience, they typically over correct and then you get what equates to petting, and that�s just creepy. Intense pressure still intact, she moved on to my lower back, but by that point, I was numb and exhausted from the pain of the ass massage. I haven�t looked yet, but I imagine that my ass is covered in black and blue polka dots.

My other spa treatment was a facial. I�m quite positive that I fell asleep a few times during the facial because I was having some really weird dreams. This was after the portion of the treatment that involved inhaling moist warm air pointed directly at your face. It was kind of like my head was stuck in the Everglades while my body hung out in the Boundry Waters. The room was really cold, but my face - hot, so hot! I didn�t like breathing in the warm moist air and resorted to taking fewer deeper breaths. After awhile, she turned the thing off and at about that point, I found myself falling in and out of conscious sleep. Nice�

The reason for the spa day was to see some of my friends. It really doesn�t make sense if you think about it. We need to catch up! Let�s go to the spa where we will be quarantined off with complete strangers for the majority of our time together. Okay, great!

We did get to spend some time catching up over a spa lunch, but that was tainted slightly as there was an obnoxious bride-to-be yelling at her caterer while flipping through an issue of People. Grrrr.

After the intense ass massage, I had to head home to change for volleyball. Playing volleyball in the sand after a day at the spa is a really bad idea. I had to shower prior to volleyball as I was covered in oil and my hair was super nappy. My skin managed to retain a good quantity of the oils and lotions from the spa so sand practically leapt off the ground and clung to me. Also, it was damn hot outside last night, so I was sweating like a whore in church which then caused me to be even more dehydrated than I already was. Rather than four glasses of water, I consumed four beers. I think it evens out in the end.

Anyhow, I�m off for the weekend. We have to go to another wedding in western Kansas. Oh the joy of it. More next week!

2:51 p.m. - July 15, 2005

previous - next