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I Know How Squirrels Die

I know how squirrels die. Many times, I have seen squirrels flattened on the pavement and I thought I knew how that squirrel died, and I may have been right, that squirrel may have been killed by a car. But today, I was given a new theory, an even better theory. I know how squirrels die.

I was in the backyard picking obnoxious acorns out of my grass. These damn acorns fall from the gigantic tree in the backyard and through weather and traffic bore treacherous pits into the ground. Our backyard is like a landmine under this tree. Ryan believes that it isn�t the acorns fault, but something else causing the problem. I believe that the acorns fall and get pushed into the soil by rain or foot traffic. By covering the root of the grass, the acorn causes the grass to die. The acorn is then either carried off by a squirrel or a bird or it is ground into the dirt where it hopes to someday sprout into a tree. Meanwhile, the acorn has created a spot void of grass, and then the rains come, and erosion sets in and the little tiny acorn shaped void grows into a grassless patch and the dirt that used to exist in that space is pushed into the roots of existing grass thus creating high and low spots in our patchy grassed lawn. Damned acorns.

Anyhow, in order to achieve yard zen, I have spent a few minutes a couple of nights a week picking up acorns. Plus, it is an excuse to be outside. And no, they can�t be raked up due to existing pits in the yard. Tonight, I was doing just that, picking up acorns, when I heard quite the ruckus over my head. The screeching and squealing startled me, and I looked up to almost be hit in the head by a damned acorn. I saw the bushy pipe cleaner stiff tail of a gray squirrel leap from one branch to the next chased quickly by a second gray squirrel. Fearing knockout by acorn, I watched as the squirrels continued to chase each other, finally jumping from one giant tree to the other giant non-acorn spewing tree in my backyard.

It was like watching a sword fight in a movie. They jousted back and forth hoping from branch to branch until one decided to try to descend the trunk of the tree. The second squirrel leapt forward and nipped at the tail of the squirrel and then, THUNK!!!

The squirrel landed hard in my flowerbed, just about ten feet away from me. The other squirrel, gripped to the trunk of the tree facing down towards his fallen comrad, watched patiently. I think it was the first time I�d ever seen a squirrel blink.

Seconds passed, and the squirrel on the ground didn�t move. The squirrel on the tree looked up into the branches as if calling for backup. �Man down! Man down!� he seemed to cry. Slowly, he took one step towards the fallen squirrel. BAM! The injured squirrel was back on his feet, crouched and ready for action. The game of cat and mouse continued, but at a much less fevered pace. I�m not sure why squirrels chase each other, but I�m sure as they gnaw on a couple of acorns later, they will recount how near death little Rick really was today.

Anyhow, so my new theory is that squirrels don�t just drop dead out of trees due to old age. Instead, they have little squirrel accidents that involve too much horseplay. Its really quite sad if you think of it too much.
My foray into domestication continues. Last night, I made yet another stellar meal consisting of orange roughy and asparagus, mushrooms in orange-port sauce and nasty ass potatoes. Two out of three ain�t bad. Ryan informed me that I need to focus on making more cost efficient meals. I informed him to shut his pie hole suggesting that if he wants a cheap meal, he�s welcome to cook it. So there you go. Ungrateful punk. He did realize the error of his ways and cleaned up all the dishes, so that was nice.

I�d gotten the recipes from that 30-minute meals show. 30 minutes is a load of crap. I�d DVR�d the show, and much to my dismay, I had to skim through it a couple of times trying to figure out how long to cook the fish. I really am not sure how I got the will power to even watch that show as I find the host, Rachel, to be almost as obnoxious as a yard filled with pit-inducing acorns. Nonetheless, I managed to glean the important details from the show and the food was fabulous. The mushrooms were super simple, and I could eat them almost every day. Butter, olive oil, mushroom caps then two cloves chopped garlic. Cook until the caps are golden brown then add salt and pepper. Pour in either Sherry or Port, add orange zest and then orange juice (or skip the zest part if you are lazy like me). Cook until the juice turns into sauce, add parsley and serve. So damn good, and you get the recipe without that obnoxious smoker party chick voice. And contrary to Ryan�s belief, the mushrooms were pretty cheap. Not mac and cheese cheap, but enough said.

6:15 p.m. - July 19, 2005

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