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Squirrel Killer

My cat is a little fucker. On Sunday morning, Ryan and I were watching a little morning TV while enjoying a bit of caffeine. Eli had bolted down the stairs as he does every morning and meowed until I let him outside. The front door to my house is a beautiful old door made of a large beveled glass pane surrounded by a finely detailed oak frame. Well, it would be beautiful if I�d ever finish refinishing it. Anyhow, the glass drops to about 18 inches above the ground. Eli has a way of popping his head up so that he can see through the glass door to alert us if he wants in or out. Sometimes, he meows soundlessly if we don�t get to the door quickly enough to please him. Other times, he�ll hop up on the large picture window sill just to the left of the door and stare at us from under the mini blinds as we sit on the couch. He�s really a freak when it comes to be asking to be let in. I think if I had a doorbell or an intercom system hooked up, he�d gladly learn how to use it.

It had been about an hour since we�d let him outside when I saw him pop up in the door out of the corner of my eye. I figured I�d ignore him until he popped up a couple more times because he has a way about being indecisive about being inside or outside that can be quite obnoxious. You might be thinking right now that I should either A) get a cat door or B) that I am a horrible human being for letting a cat outdoors because it is shortening his life. Either way, fuck off. Sunday morning is a prime example of why I�ll never have a cat door.

I saw his head pop up a second time and this time, I looked over at him. There he stood, his little head turned so he could see us on the couch; in his mouth something small and furry. Fucking ew! I jabbed at Ryan who looked over at the cat who was still staring at us like �Come on! Hurry up! Let me in already!� Ryan guessed that maybe it was a bird in his mouth. Longer inspection which Eli graciously allowed revealed that it was actually a baby squirrel. That fucking cat caught a baby squirrel and brought it to the window to show us. How sweet.

Needless to say, neither of us made a move to let him in. After a few comments about how disgusted we were, we tried to turn our attention back to the TV hoping that Eli would take the squirrel into the yard and dispose of it. Not so much. Instead, he hopped up on the window sill and proceeded to stare at us from under the mini blinds. We both agreed that he probably wanted in to get some salt of maybe a clove of garlic to spice up his squirrel, and we were having none of that. We continued to ignore him until �WHAM!� The squirrel must have still been partially alive because something caused Eli to slam him up against the picture window. So fucking nasty. The cat continued to switch between staring at us, squirrel in mouth at the door then the window for awhile. After some length of time that ended. He deposited the squirrel under the porch swing and went to sit on the stairs to wait until we would let him in the house.

Some people say that cats bring their kill to their owner�s doorstep as a �present.� I personally think that my cat was too stupid to know what to do with the squirrel and was at the doorstep asking us to help him figure that out. A third, and a bit far out theory was that Eli and the squirrel were playing a lively game of Tag when Eli�s playfulness temporarily turned into savagery and he accidentally bit the shit out of his friend. So then, he picked him up in his mouth and brought him to the door in the hopes that we humans what with our opposable thumbs and whatnot could get him to a vet and save his little squirrel life. But noooooo! Ryan and I were so heartless sitting there on the couch eating our fruit snacks and watching idiotic lifestyles of the rich and obnoxious shows on VH1.

Anyhow, Ryan was the hero of the day and scooped up the squirrel remains, and they were hauled away with the garbage this morning. Eli�s new nickname is �Squirrel Killer� said in a menacing voice like Aunt Edna would say �Dog Killer� to Clark Griswold. Little fucker.

Wha? Huh? I didn't do it!

4:52 p.m. - September 26, 2005

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