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Silly girl

Four years ago, on January 31, I had to leave a job I absolutely loved. I was working for a company that was trying to keep its head above the water from the giant tsunami created by the dot.com bubble's burst. I had a boss that I loved and whom I would follow to the ends of the earth, and also a boss that I didn't like so much and wouldn't follow to my favorite bar - even if he were buying. In order to survive, the company had to make cuts, and I was one of them. During the last few weeks of employment, I did a lot of soul searching. The boss I loved challenged me to come up with something I was passionate about - and then to try and find that in my next job. Funny thing was, I already had found that in my current position, I just hadn't realized it. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that work for that company anymore.

I cried a lot during those few weeks, which is kind of ironic, because I'm not much of a crier. I went through all the normal job loss stuff - questioning whether or not I was "good enough", blaming others for their lack of insight into the wonderful person that is me, wondering if I would be able to find another job to pay for the house I just bought and to put food in the bowl of my four month old kitten. I had a bit of contract work to tide me over for a few weeks, but I that didn't stop me from constantly worrying about what would come next for me. It was an absolutely awful feeling.

Luckily, I did find a new job, and I remember the feeling of great joy and excitement I felt when I found the job. I was quite confused at first - how could a new company see anything in me when the company I loved so much could just let me go - the asshole boss even double checking to make sure I'd left behind my keys and my laptop? Fucker - I still take pleasure in the fact that the Homelink system on my car was still programmed so I could've gotten into the company garage if I would have wanted to. Not that I ever would have, but still. I loved that job and loved that company. Still do.

Anyhow, it has been four years, as I mentioned, and so much has changed. I still remember that work fondly, and especially some of the people I worked with at that job. I think how much I learned from working in that environment, how much I grew, and how I learned to look for multiple solutions to every problem. I took so many skills from that work, and some great friendships as well. Jane often makes fun of me for my youthful utopian view of that job, but it really made a lasting impression on me. Even today, I am reminded of these lessons often.

Stupidly, though, the one lesson I had forgotten was to continuously take stock of what I am passionate about in my work. In that old job, I had always been incredibly passionate about my work - so much so that it was just a part of me - how I operated - why I did the things I did. Until I was asked the question, I didn't realize it, and by that point it was too late. The job was gone, and I had to move on.

Anyhow, I think of all this now because I was blindsided today by so many of the emotions I was experiencing four years ago. The difference today is that I am not facing unemployment, but instead the loss of part of my work that I had become so passionate about. I've gained more opportunities, more responsibility and even more money in my current situation, but from a purely emotional standpoint, I am struggling to reconcile all of these positive things with something I feel is missing. One should be so lucky to have these problems, but I think what is making me sad is that I missed the bigger picture - I forgot to keep track and protect that part of my work that wakes me up in the morning. Silly girl.

10:12 p.m. - February 06, 2006

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