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The Saga of the TrashHoles

Since we are in the "getting to know you phase" I thought I'd tell you a story about my house. In November 2001, I bought a house in midtown Kansas City just barely on the Missouri-side. The house was built in 1911, and was in need of a whole boatload of T.L.C. Thanks to the fact that my dad is skilled in every area of home maintenance/construction/repair and that my parents are willing to drive the three hours to Kansas City on weekends to rehab this house, I've been able to realize a great investment. The thing is, what with the wedding and all this November, well, we need to pick up the pace a bit on the whole rehab process so that The Boy and I will have a nice place to live. So far, we've (and when I reference we, please read "my dad with a miniscule amount of assistance from me") we've managed to destroy the entire contents of the third floor of the house and most of the walls on the second floor. Did I mention this house is much too big for just me???

So over the weekend, The Boy and I decided to pitch in a bit and help out while my dad helped my brother and sister-in-law work on their house. :: Editors Note - From now on, my brother will be called Paco because that is what my sister-in-law, Jane, calls them in her rockin' journal.:: First off - OUCH!!! How my mom single-handedly destroyed most of the plaster walls on the second floor is beyond me. Holy shoulder and neck pain, Batman!!! In order to inspire us, I put a bit of Metallica in the jam box. We rocked and rolled our way through destroying literally a ton plaster walls into about 30 neatly duct-taped 3 mil contractors bags, which we then hauled to the curb.

Rewind a bit... KCMO has recently undergone a few changes in their trash collection service. In the ol' days, residents would drag unlimited bags of trash to the curb and hope the stray dogs wouldn't rip into them before the trash collectors came around to, well, collect the trash. If you put a dumpster or trash can to the curb, say goodnight Gracie - they'd toss it in the garbage truck. At the beginning of this year, they began a citywide recycling program that limits each resident to two bags of trash and unlimited paper and aluminum recyclables that are collected every other week. My neighborhood was one of the first to trial the program I think in part due to our high granola/wheat grass consumption per capita ratio.

From the first day of the program, me and the Trashholes were at odds. The new regulations meant that if you had more than two items of trash to be collected that you had to pay $1 for each additional item. It also meant that the Trashholes wouldn't take anything from the curb that weighed more than 40 lbs or had a single leaf or branch in it. They also reduced bulky item pick-up day (the day on which you can put large appliances, couches, toilets, etc. on your curb) to once every other month. None of this bodes well for a house under construction. The start of the program happened to be on the same day as the single spring collection for lawn and brush debris collection. On top of that, it rained all weekend preventing me from picking up my lawn and brush debris. Couple that with a shortage of recycle bins, and you have a recipe for disaster. So on the very first week of this new program, I put four bags of regular trash to the curb, and the trashholes refused two of them. They also went through the neighborhood picking up the small amount of leaves and brush industrious residents had been able to collect. Punk bastards. When the rains stopped, I cleared my lawn of debris, placed on the curb and then watched the bottoms of the bags rot out. Evidentially, my bags offended the trashholes because they refused to take them. The bulky item pick-up people refused them as well. Rather than wait until September, I ended up paying Jose, my non-English speaking Sunday evening assistant, $25 to haul them off. For the regular bags of trash that they refused to take, I purchased giagantor 50-gallon drum liners so that I could haul my two bags of trash to the curb like a good citizen. Take that!

Okay - enough of the background - Yesterday was bulky item pickup day, so on Saturday after tearing out the wall, we produced a ton of garbage in 30 trash bags. Each bag weighed around 40 to 50 lbs and most had lathe boards peppered with sharp nails sticking out the sides. None of these bags resembled a large appliance or a toilet. One might suggest I get a dumpster, but it isn't possible. It just isn't. I could tell you why, but I've already typed too much... BACK TO THE STORY. We put all of these bags on my curb along with two normal bags of trash AND my recycle bin. My neighbors looove me! So when I left for work yesterday morning, I noticed that the trashholes have taken one of my normal bags of trash and left a bright orange flyer on the rest of the bags informing me of the Recycle program. Why the second bag of regular trash was rejected is beyond me - that's why I call them trashholes. So things were looking pretty grim as I left for work. I spent the day contemplating whether or not to go buy thirty $1 trash tags and take my chances that they'll take the bags despite the fact that their scale may clearly indicate that my bags weigh on average 42 lbs each.

As I rounded the corner to my house and dodge one of the middle of the street walkers, I was overjoyed to discover that the city of KCMO has removed ALL of the bags from my curb. Woo hoo!!! Even the paper bag wrapped 40 discarded in my emptied recycle bin couldn't dampen my spirits. I heart the trashholes!!! I sincerely hope that this ends my need to dispose of massive quantities of rubble. In a couple of weeks, my dad will be back to start building walls. Sometime this summer, I need to take down all of the rusting aluminum storm windows, scrap off hundred-year-old lead paint, primer then re-paint all of the trim and windowsills. I'll get right on that - yeah.

12:22 p.m. - June 29, 2004

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