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I Feel Like Crap

Alright all you avid Nitpick readers. Here's what I need you to do. If you are a cube dweller, you should have all the supplies handy:

1) Take some poster-hanging putty - you know the clay-like grey white stuff you use to tack things on the wall so you don't put holes in the wall or ruin the paint with tape... Roll two balls of the putty about 5 cm in diameter. Shove each ball up a nostril. If you've only been awake for an hour or less, you can shove both balls up the same nostril.

2) Find a door jam with a door that closes. Get on your knees and align your forehead with the little metal thingy that the door latch fits inside. Swing your head back away from the jam at least 8 inches then thrust your head forward so that the center of your forehead connects violently with the little metal thingy. There's no need to break the skin here, but if the space between your eyes isn't throbbing, repeat.

3) Turn your space heater on high, but wrap ice packs around your chest and stomach with only the thin plastic bag separating the ice cold gel from your skin. This should cause you to have hot flashes while also shivering like your lost on the tundra without a parka.

4) Take one of those little black binder clips - you know the kind with the silver wings on each side with a black metal bracket that holds papers tightly. With your left hand, grab hold of the tip of your tongue firmly and pull it out as far as it will go and then all the way to the left fully exposing the right side of the tongue where it connects to the back of your jaw. With your right hand, take the binder clip, squeeze the silver wings opening the clamp wide. Place the clamp as far back onto the tongue where it connects to the back of the jaw and then release. Howl in pain for at least five minutes, but do not remove the clamp.

If you do all four of these steps, you may feel just a bit like I do. My head is congested, my head is throbbing with sinus pain, I'm hot - no wait, I'm cold, and I have a heinous canker sore located on the back of my tongue which rubs perfectly against the edge of my back molars. Fucking lovely. It's my boss's birthday, and someone brought in a lovely carrot cake, however when I tried to take a bite, I almost cried in pain. The cream cheese frosting stuck all over the inside of my mouth and I had to use my tongue to dislodge it, and with every sweep, that damn sore rubbed against something or stretched or basically just made my life a living hell.

Fun stuff. Love it. And yes, I am one of those people who goes into work when they are sick. I have little choice this week. If I don't get my work done before I leave for my honeymoon, I might actually have to haul the laptop with me and work while on vacation, and hootie don't mind no cussin'.

10:02 a.m. - October 28, 2004

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