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Clockwork Orange at a Makeup Counter Near You

I went to the doctor this morning to see what I could do to ward off the impending doom of "Major Head-cold 2004." After describing my symptoms and letting her tap lightly on my forehead to watch me wince in pain, she started writing out a prescription for a Z-pack. I've heard tell of these wondrous little packets of pills but had never gotten one for myself. I think I started drooling a bit - or that could've been saliva trying to digest my tongue - not really sure. As she finished writing out the prescription and informing me of the possible side effects, she paused, looked up, looked back down, tore the prescription off the pad and began to hand it to me. As I reached out my hand to take the prescription from her, she suddenly snapped the paper back and held it close to her chest.

Doctor: You just said you are leaving on your honeymoon to Hawaii next Sunday.

Me: Yes, its going to be great! We're going here and here and here...

Doctor: The Z-pack is an antibiotic. It will greatly reduce the effectiveness of your birth control pills. We're you hoping for a honeymoon baby?

Me: -- Insert hacking cough and a bit of accidental spitting here.

Luckily, it turns out that the stars are aligned perfectly with Jupiter and in some crazy algebraic schematic, this actually may not effect me. Regardless, this should be a fun one to explain to The Boy, especially because he doesn't particularly like math.

In wedding news, I went to a makeup counter last night to do a trial run of makeup for the wedding. You'll be pleased to know that I took pictures and will share them below. Now I know I should've just said something to the lady right away, but I thought she's a professional - she should know what she is doing. She asked me my wedding colors and pulled out tones similar to the wines and burgundies that I described. Now that I look at those pictures, I am appalled that I walked around the mall for an hour following my makeover. HOLY COW! I look like a circus freak! I'm sure it doesn't help that I feel like shit, but for crying out loud! Who thinks that make up looks good on me! I already have enough problems with blinking during pictures, and the one eye doesn't even match the other. Plus the waterproof mascara makes me look like Tammy FuckinFaye Baker. Wow was that a bad idea. See for yourself:

What the hell are you smiling about, fool? And why is one pupil so much bigger than the other pupil?

Call it "Ode to Clockwork Orange." One eye will be much more pronounced than the other. And that shade of lipstick - I'm so glad you purchased it for later use!

The first clue that this was a bad idea should've been that the lady told me within 10 mintues of the session that she had been laid off from the Large Telecommunications Company and had come back into cosmetics within the past year. The second clue should've been her own make-up which wasn't exactly stellar.

I wish I were just being overly judgmental about my face, but if any of you out there seriously think that this is a good look for me, I should hunt you down and slap you upside the head. What you aren't seeing is the side view where the lady went crazy with the blusher, and it looks like I'm trying to cover up a bruise. The worst part is, I told her I was going for a "natural" look. What about the makeup she put on my face is natural except for maybe the lackluster coverage with foundation that allows the shininess of my forehead to gleam through. So great - now I have to call in and cancel all of that madness and find another way to get my makeup done. Perfect.

Updated at 4:28 PM

This is the weather report for the next ten days. Please note the gigantic black cloud looming over my wedding day:

1:09 p.m. - October 29, 2004

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